By Charles Hurt
They’re all in it for the one-liners.
The only candidate on the debate stage Wednesday night at the Reagan Presidential Library who didn’t come armed with one-liners was North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum. He was the serious one on the far left. He was also the lowest-polling candidate on stage.
All the rest of them wheedled and jockeyed and raised their hands like children on too many sweets during a field trip to a candy factory.
There were more canned lines at that debate than you would hear on a Rodney Dangerfield comedy tour. And most of them were lame.
The best line from the whole night came from moderator Dana Perino — and it wasn’t even canned.
After she asked former Vice President Mike Pence if Obamacare “was here to stay,” Mr. Pence dodged with a long explanation about how he is opposed to mass shootings.
When he finally finished his nonanswer, Ms. Perino looked at him brightly and said: “I appreciate that, but does that mean Obamacare is here to stay?” If he finally did answer, nobody was listening anymore.
Mr. Pence came with a few one-liners of his own, including one about sleeping with a teacher that seemed a bit off-topic.
At another point, he attacked President Biden for joining the United Auto Workers picket line. Mr. Pence said the president should instead be in the “unemployment line.”
Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who is usually capable of thinking on his feet, pulled out his best canned line to go after former President Donald Trump — who, for the second time, won a Republican debate he did not attend.
Mr. Christie ridiculed Mr. Trump for skipping the debate.
“You’re ducking this,” Mr. Christie said, staring hungrily into the camera. “If you keep doing that, no one up here’s gonna call you Donald Trump anymore. You’re gonna be Donald Duck.”
Womp womp womp.
Sen. Tim Scott, one of two politicians from South Carolina on the debate stage currently losing to Mr. Trump by a double-digit margin, got into the one-liner action himself.
Mocking Mr. Biden’s “Build Back Better” inflation boondoggle, Mr. Scott termed it “Build Back Broker.” But it did not land, so he had to explain what that meant. His one-liner turned into a three-liner, which kind of defeats the purpose.
In politics, if you are explaining, you are losing. In comedy, if you are explaining, you are not funny.
The most clarifying moment of the night came when biotech businessman Vivek Ramaswamy ripped into Republicans on the stage for supporting Mr. Biden’s war in Ukraine, which triggered a deluge of defensive one-liners.
Mr. Scott said the billions being spent to defend Ukraine’s borders degrade Russia’s military and keep U.S. troops at home. (Nobody said one-liners have to make any sense.)
Former Gov. Nikki Haley, the second politician from South Carolina losing by double digits to Mr. Trump, got in on the action.
“A win for Russia is a win for China,” she intoned, which apparently excited Mr. Pence’s cliche-maker.
“Peace through strength!” he bellowed.
The camera swung to Mr. Christie, who was still thinking about roast duck.
“They’re all connected,” he said conspiratorially. Everyone on the stage, he said, was naive and wrong. And then he proceeded to agree with most of them.
Of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Mr. Christie said: “If you give him Ukraine, Poland will be next.”
Ms. Haley had so many hot cliches burning in her pocket that she probably won the one-liner contest on volume alone.
“Energy security is national security!” she said.
At another point, she responded to Mr. Ramaswamy by saying: “Honestly, every time I hear you I feel a little bit dumber.”
I am not entirely sure that was the insult she intended. But it is fair to say that many people probably feel a little dumber after listening to Mr. Ramaswamy unwind on 15 complicated topics in a two-minute tirade.
While Ms. Haley may have won on volume, the gold medal for one-lines in terms of quality, complexity and stone-cold delivery went to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, talking about domestic drilling for oil and natural gas.
“We’re going to choose Midland over Moscow. We’re going to choose the Marcellus over the mullahs. And we’re going to choose the Bakken over Beijing,” he said.
After sticking his verbal landing like an expert gymnast, Mr. DeSantis took a step back, swallowed, and faintly nodded his nervous head. Nailed it.
Unfortunately for the Republicans on the debate stage, canned one-liners don’t win elections.